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On A Journey of Finding Her

 


I’ve lived most of my life trying to fit into the story and just find my balance.

While growing up, I realized that I liked my own space and the little things, but I still didn’t want to be left out of the crowd.


Over time I grew to love those little parts of myself but recently, I had been looking forward to more... A relationship or maybe just being part of the happenings, but I just didn’t want to feel left out again. 

Now that I think about it, it must have been the thoughts of others that I was letting into my mind and while I knew that my timings had not yet fallen in line, I wanted to rush it all into place and I was becoming anxious - the result of my little feats out of Abba’s hand every single time.


It was affecting my mood and my reasoning. I was getting antsy, and my mind was beginning to conjure many other different thoughts.


I was beginning to forget why I was in my current state and the woman I wanted to see myself become. With Abba, I wasn’t trying so hard to fit into a particular picture and was just becoming whom God has called me to become but this little ordeal was taking me back and Abba knew.


I love God! 

He has always had a way of bringing me back and kicking me into place when I seem to be falling short.


I came here, in this my service year for a reason and that’s to grow, to learn more about myself and the world at large through God’s lenses.

Abba had made the ride much more fun and thrilling by giving me the very best of people along the way to teach me but recently, I was mixing it all up, misplacing my priorities and letting myself forget by default.


Now don’t get me wrong, these little ordeals weren’t wrong, but it just wasn’t time yet and I knew but I just wanted to overlook this fact and move things out of God’s hand and into my own. 


Did it backfire?


Well, enough for me to realize that I had to sincerely ask for God’s help and here’s what I’ve gotten so far.


I can only truly find out more about myself by finding out more about my Creator. When I know how His mind works, what He wants and values, only then can I find my use in this life. Only in Him can I know more about my likes, dislikes, weaknesses and where my strengths lie in Him.


I have a mind - that's for sure, and whatever I continue to allow into my mind, these thoughts,  build the personality that you see me become and so when I smile, the personalities and characters that I portray, are all results of thoughts, information, and environmental factors that have been built over time and sincerely, not all of these characters are entirely good.

I have good news though!


Abba’s teaching me and I’m learning to break down those old habits and build new ones by His grace alone. Let’s be quite frank with ourselves, it’s not really easy to tear down bad habits but with the help of God, we grow.


In all of this, intentionality is very important and only when you are able to discipline yourself would you be able to make a change. Abba can stir that desire and send you nudges to change, but it is only in your move and decision that any of these changes become reality.


Meanwhile, I’ve found out or more like, I’ve come to confirm a few things about myself.


I’m a lover of solitude, quiet spaces. I like music, but I love calming music much more than the loud ones (my absolute reason for loving an endless ocean - a perfect date would be at his concert really).

I love simple conversations not because I’m afraid of hard conversations, but I just haven’t found the right person to explore really tough questions with just yet (my relationship with Abba fills that gap hugely though).

I love my family - I’ve always dreamt of having just more than enough so as not to leave them in want, but God knows how to do so better than I do - they just give me so much joy!

I enjoy the natural environment - they make me realize that God is so good, and He definitely loves good things plus He definitely is the greatest Creative there is. We sha dey learn work for where God dey.


There’s more, but I’ll leave it at this for now.



And so, happy new month!


Sincerely,

Tee🥰 

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