I started this year with a lot of enthusiasm...
I remained expectant for the best. I had plans that I wanted to accomplish, and I wasn't going to miss it.
As time went on, things started going off track, and I wasn't having it. I tried all that I could to keep everything in order, but the more I tried, the more I fell apart.
I was losing myself and my focus.
I was always feeling guilty about things that I did and didn't do. At the end, I broke down. I thought that I just needed to be strong, but I realised that I needed a mind shift, and this shift occurred in the most unique way ever.
I had to learn by letting go.
Strength wasn't the only thing that mattered to me at this moment, and I realise that now.
This write-up isn't to confuse or give you a reason to pity me but to remind you that in moments where you think that all you'll need is your strength and willpower, Abba is calling you to depend on him more.
While I had my plans, and of course planning is good, I had forgotten the part where God chooses the way. I had forgotten to ask for guidance and left on my own.
I had grown weak, and all I could do was keep pushing by my own effort. I disliked myself for my inadequacies, and with time, everything started looking negative. My judgements became clouded, and I found faults with everything I did.
In one event, I had just chosen to surrender, and for the first time in a while, I felt like I wasn't drowning. I felt free again.
I'm learning to prioritise, to love myself again, and of course I'm learning to build my relationship with Abba again.
Sometimes we get stuck, and it is in those moments that we need God the most.
And so, here's my testimony!
God didn't leave me during all of the moments when I gaslighted myself. He sent his children to encourage me and reach me in more ways than one, and I'm grateful for that.
I somehow found a way to pray, and I was constantly reminded of his goodness.
It is low-key pride when you think that you can do it all by yourself.
Something my mother mentioned: "I don't like the way we are treating God..."
It felt like a lightbulb lit in my head.
If God were a person, and He is, and you kept treating Him the way you do now... would you be happy with yourself?
For the first time, I saw God as a person with feelings and emotions, not just some ghost or spiritual being. Like someone who was actually excited about talking with his friend or partner and someone who cared sincerely.
It made me realise that I have a lot of work to do.
How about you?
Sincerely,
Tee 🥰
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